I have worked at this hotel for 3 years now and feel like I have learned a lot of important lessons. Since not everyone has the joy of working in the hospitality industry I thought I should pass on the vital knowledge I have attained.
1) Native Americans don't use credit cards.
2) Old people who can't open a hotel door with a key card should be removed from society.
3) Old people who can't turn the lamps on in their room should be removed from society.
4) Old people who request an extra pillow for every joint in their body need to stay away from me, for I WILL NOT enable their dependence. (Bring your own collection of pillows if you're that far gone!)
5) Everyone gets wasted the night before big bike races (LOTOJA, MS-150, etc.) I can't say I'd enjoy being hungover riding the hundreds of miles from Logan to Jackson, but whatever floats your boat!
6) Some businessmen are lonely enough they'll hit on even the largest of pregnant women. Unfortunately, some of us pregnant women are still gettin' some and don't need their pathetic company. Tough luck fellas.
7) Truckers make the best customers. After sleeping at truck stops anything seems luxurious. Check them in, and they never reappear.
8) Indian men are not afraid to call the front desk and ask for a romp in the hay.
9) 1 pool towel is never enough. One must use three: Hair, torso, and legs. Fat people tend to double those numbers.
10) Rich soccer/dance moms raise hell about EVERYTHING. "Its cold outside. I want to speak to a manager. My spoiled-little-brat wanted hot weather!"
11) Ice machines are harder to use than any computer.
12) NO PETS ALLOWED = "Please bring your filthy mutt and hide him in the room. Also feel free to take him in the pool with you! The health department doesn't mind one bit."
13) NO SMOKING = "We would love you to smoke in this non-smoking room, just prop that door open. Maybe you could spit some tobacco on the carpet while you're at it?"
14) No, you don't get a discount for only staying in the room for 1 hour. Do you really think the room is uncontaminated after a quickie with your mistress? (Yes, I know what you are up to...)
15) It is always appropriate to throw keys at the hotel employee when you are angry. It solves all of your problems.
16) The customer is almost always wrong (I would say 99% of the time). For example: "The drawers on the TV stand are locked! They won't open! FIX IT!" "Sir, they are FAKE drawers. CHILL OUT. And no, you don't get a discount."
